JUST A WORD

I has a...,well I don't even know how to describe it is. That person is not my bestfriend, not a boyfriend/girlfriend, not a close friend or a person I used to talked about everything. Literally we will talked with each other twice a years. And the topic always the same. Either that person birthday or my birthday.  Yes, we never meet anymore after done with the school, keep in touch? No we don't. Sharing about some things? Definitely not. But I am comfortable with that person. I am totally fine with that. Because I know we will definitely wishing each other birthday every years. We catch up a little bit then not in contact until the next person birthday. I am grateful that person even remember to wish me on my birthday. Just a simple wishes because that who and how that person is.  I can call that person a Birthday because that person always appeared only on birthday. We are not close but yes, we still wishing each other. It's fun and funny.

If you won't talked to me, I understand. If you won't replied to me, I understand. If you won't listen to me, I understand. Why? Because I been there and I know how it hurt you. I can see the pain because I had been there.  But the difference is, nobody understand me. Nobody understand why I won't talked to them. Why I won't replied to them. Why I won't listen to them. And when they feel fed up, they blame me. They put all of the fault on me. They mad at me. They said they are bored with all of this so I left.  I left because I can't let myself hurt them with my word. I can't let them see the pain and watch my tears. And I promise, if I ever saw someone like me, I will try my best to understand them. I will never left them or blame or get mad at them. Because I been there and I know it hurt. I know how the thing hurt you that you can utter a single word. I know how it made you in pain that you can't bring yourself to answer me. I know how it bring yo

If you could erase one of your feeling, what will it be? That thought always came across. And now, it come more frequent.  When I give a deep thought about that, I really want to erase a feeling called love. Why? Well, I get hurt and in pain all of the time because of love. My tears? It's all because of love. All of the scars exist because of love.  The reason who I am right now because of love. And when I stop loving, I think I will stop protecting anyone. I will stop care about them. I will stop doing my best for them. I will stop meddle in their business. I will stop having any people with me that need to trouble themself for me. Then, I think all of the other feeling will totally equal with each other. Because I do believe, the happiness, sadness, madness, craziness, it do came from a love. Any types of feeling called love, I do want to erase it.  Because when I love anyone, I started to become so protective that I forgot I need to protect myself. I started to cry and feel happ

There was a day where I wish everything just end but He know the best. He keep make me meet new people. And in contact with lot of people. And this week I met my new friend who much younger than me.  We talked a lot about things, about our life, our favourite movie or drama. Then, she tried to guess my hobby. "Let me guess your hobby. Reading?" And I shaked my head while trying to give her hint that it was a part of that subject. Then she guess gaming. And I said that is true but not my main hobby. It took her a while and she said blogging, journaling. And I said "Yes, you are quite accurate actually it is writing. I wrote some stuff and I do blog".  Then the next day, she ask me if you giving a chance to learn another language what it will be? I think she may thought I will said Japan, Korean or Chinese or something like that. But when I said Russian, she looked at me with suprised. It felt like I am telling a big secret of mine. Then when I said I want to go to Ru

I always feel I am weird. But lately, I know something is not right with me because I can feel that weird feeling. I don't want to do anything except for laying on my bed doing nothing. I always feel sleepy and there is no energy at all inside me. I can't sleep at night but when I do, I can't even wake myself. I thought I am sick. Then, I realize that, I am broken inside. The pain inside my heart is bursting and I can't do anything about me. I feel sad at most of the time. I can feel my smile no longer myself anymore. It is a broken feeling. And those feeling that stuck inside my heart making me feel uncomfortable.  Even if my body does not get hurt but my heart is. And I don't even know why it hurt hundred time more now. Every time this pain keep thumping my heart, I become aware that if I don't do anything, it will swallow me. This broken feeling, will it stay forever? Or it will be gone soon? It's hurt me but I can't explain it. I can't make peopl