JUST A WORD

Sometimes I just love having the memory around because I'm aware of the value of it in my past. But, it doesn't show or define me a someone that love to keep trying on something that make me hurt more people. I am not the fan of it.  Some memory is a reason why I am still breathing and catching up with my life. Some memory make me stand firm. But, I really hate becoming the same me in the past. The only thing that I keep ask from Him is please avoid me to cross path with anyone from my goodbye. I tried my best to live my life and I am doing fine with it. So, I do hope you are living your life. Stop looking for something that doesn't wish to be found. Stop looking for something that hidden. There is a reason why it stay low and untraceable.  I still love looking at the sky but this time I just love looking at it because it has witness the entire life of mine. I love the sky because it's no longer hold a memory that regret in my life. 

Lately, I always feel tired where I couldn't feel any energy inside me. I don't know how I can still work, walk or "alive" when I am totally exhausted. I don't even have a power to talk anymore. I wonder where did those beautiful day of mine had gone. I wonder where that tough girl had missing. I wonder where the feeling faded away.  I want to take a rest but this life won't let me. I want to stop but this life definitely control my path. What should I do then? I want to disappear but this life always find me. I want to scream it loud but there totally no sound that can come out. Too tired to think that there is tomorrow. Too tired to meet people which if I could choose to lock myself inside my room, yes I will choose that because it give me a comfort and make me feel safe.  And now, things is not always what it is. Sometimes I just push myself through the day and when the night come, I will stay on my bed waiting to continue the next day.  But, I believe that...

I has a...,well I don't even know how to describe it is. That person is not my bestfriend, not a boyfriend/girlfriend, not a close friend or a person I used to talked about everything. Literally we will talked with each other twice a years. And the topic always the same. Either that person birthday or my birthday.  Yes, we never meet anymore after done with the school, keep in touch? No we don't. Sharing about some things? Definitely not. But I am comfortable with that person. I am totally fine with that. Because I know we will definitely wishing each other birthday every years. We catch up a little bit then not in contact until the next person birthday. I am grateful that person even remember to wish me on my birthday. Just a simple wishes because that who and how that person is.  I can call that person a Birthday because that person always appeared only on birthday. We are not close but yes, we still wishing each other. It's fun and funny.

If you won't talked to me, I understand. If you won't replied to me, I understand. If you won't listen to me, I understand. Why? Because I been there and I know how it hurt you. I can see the pain because I had been there.  But the difference is, nobody understand me. Nobody understand why I won't talked to them. Why I won't replied to them. Why I won't listen to them. And when they feel fed up, they blame me. They put all of the fault on me. They mad at me. They said they are bored with all of this so I left.  I left because I can't let myself hurt them with my word. I can't let them see the pain and watch my tears. And I promise, if I ever saw someone like me, I will try my best to understand them. I will never left them or blame or get mad at them. Because I been there and I know it hurt. I know how the thing hurt you that you can utter a single word. I know how it made you in pain that you can't bring yourself to answer me. I know how it bring yo...

If you could erase one of your feeling, what will it be? That thought always came across. And now, it come more frequent.  When I give a deep thought about that, I really want to erase a feeling called love. Why? Well, I get hurt and in pain all of the time because of love. My tears? It's all because of love. All of the scars exist because of love.  The reason who I am right now because of love. And when I stop loving, I think I will stop protecting anyone. I will stop care about them. I will stop doing my best for them. I will stop meddle in their business. I will stop having any people with me that need to trouble themself for me. Then, I think all of the other feeling will totally equal with each other. Because I do believe, the happiness, sadness, madness, craziness, it do came from a love. Any types of feeling called love, I do want to erase it.  Because when I love anyone, I started to become so protective that I forgot I need to protect myself. I started to cry and...