JUST A WORD

Sometimes I just love having the memory around because I'm aware of the value of it in my past. But, it doesn't show or define me a someone that love to keep trying on something that make me hurt more people. I am not the fan of it.  Some memory is a reason why I am still breathing and catching up with my life. Some memory make me stand firm. But, I really hate becoming the same me in the past. The only thing that I keep ask from Him is please avoid me to cross path with anyone from my goodbye. I tried my best to live my life and I am doing fine with it. So, I do hope you are living your life. Stop looking for something that doesn't wish to be found. Stop looking for something that hidden. There is a reason why it stay low and untraceable.  I still love looking at the sky but this time I just love looking at it because it has witness the entire life of mine. I love the sky because it's no longer hold a memory that regret in my life. 

Lately, I always feel tired where I couldn't feel any energy inside me. I don't know how I can still work, walk or "alive" when I am totally exhausted. I don't even have a power to talk anymore. I wonder where did those beautiful day of mine had gone. I wonder where that tough girl had missing. I wonder where the feeling faded away.  I want to take a rest but this life won't let me. I want to stop but this life definitely control my path. What should I do then? I want to disappear but this life always find me. I want to scream it loud but there totally no sound that can come out. Too tired to think that there is tomorrow. Too tired to meet people which if I could choose to lock myself inside my room, yes I will choose that because it give me a comfort and make me feel safe.  And now, things is not always what it is. Sometimes I just push myself through the day and when the night come, I will stay on my bed waiting to continue the next day.  But, I believe that

I has a...,well I don't even know how to describe it is. That person is not my bestfriend, not a boyfriend/girlfriend, not a close friend or a person I used to talked about everything. Literally we will talked with each other twice a years. And the topic always the same. Either that person birthday or my birthday.  Yes, we never meet anymore after done with the school, keep in touch? No we don't. Sharing about some things? Definitely not. But I am comfortable with that person. I am totally fine with that. Because I know we will definitely wishing each other birthday every years. We catch up a little bit then not in contact until the next person birthday. I am grateful that person even remember to wish me on my birthday. Just a simple wishes because that who and how that person is.  I can call that person a Birthday because that person always appeared only on birthday. We are not close but yes, we still wishing each other. It's fun and funny.

If you won't talked to me, I understand. If you won't replied to me, I understand. If you won't listen to me, I understand. Why? Because I been there and I know how it hurt you. I can see the pain because I had been there.  But the difference is, nobody understand me. Nobody understand why I won't talked to them. Why I won't replied to them. Why I won't listen to them. And when they feel fed up, they blame me. They put all of the fault on me. They mad at me. They said they are bored with all of this so I left.  I left because I can't let myself hurt them with my word. I can't let them see the pain and watch my tears. And I promise, if I ever saw someone like me, I will try my best to understand them. I will never left them or blame or get mad at them. Because I been there and I know it hurt. I know how the thing hurt you that you can utter a single word. I know how it made you in pain that you can't bring yourself to answer me. I know how it bring yo

If you could erase one of your feeling, what will it be? That thought always came across. And now, it come more frequent.  When I give a deep thought about that, I really want to erase a feeling called love. Why? Well, I get hurt and in pain all of the time because of love. My tears? It's all because of love. All of the scars exist because of love.  The reason who I am right now because of love. And when I stop loving, I think I will stop protecting anyone. I will stop care about them. I will stop doing my best for them. I will stop meddle in their business. I will stop having any people with me that need to trouble themself for me. Then, I think all of the other feeling will totally equal with each other. Because I do believe, the happiness, sadness, madness, craziness, it do came from a love. Any types of feeling called love, I do want to erase it.  Because when I love anyone, I started to become so protective that I forgot I need to protect myself. I started to cry and feel happ

There was a day where I wish everything just end but He know the best. He keep make me meet new people. And in contact with lot of people. And this week I met my new friend who much younger than me.  We talked a lot about things, about our life, our favourite movie or drama. Then, she tried to guess my hobby. "Let me guess your hobby. Reading?" And I shaked my head while trying to give her hint that it was a part of that subject. Then she guess gaming. And I said that is true but not my main hobby. It took her a while and she said blogging, journaling. And I said "Yes, you are quite accurate actually it is writing. I wrote some stuff and I do blog".  Then the next day, she ask me if you giving a chance to learn another language what it will be? I think she may thought I will said Japan, Korean or Chinese or something like that. But when I said Russian, she looked at me with suprised. It felt like I am telling a big secret of mine. Then when I said I want to go to Ru

I always feel I am weird. But lately, I know something is not right with me because I can feel that weird feeling. I don't want to do anything except for laying on my bed doing nothing. I always feel sleepy and there is no energy at all inside me. I can't sleep at night but when I do, I can't even wake myself. I thought I am sick. Then, I realize that, I am broken inside. The pain inside my heart is bursting and I can't do anything about me. I feel sad at most of the time. I can feel my smile no longer myself anymore. It is a broken feeling. And those feeling that stuck inside my heart making me feel uncomfortable.  Even if my body does not get hurt but my heart is. And I don't even know why it hurt hundred time more now. Every time this pain keep thumping my heart, I become aware that if I don't do anything, it will swallow me. This broken feeling, will it stay forever? Or it will be gone soon? It's hurt me but I can't explain it. I can't make peopl

I used to think a lot and now I think more than I suppose to be. And sometimes I can't understand why but human, they will keep thinking about some unimportant matter.  But may I asked? Did you ever be happy just because the day is raining, or the TV show your favourite movie, or you get to eat your favourite food, or spending your time with your beloved one? That is a meaning of happiness right? A small and simple thing that just make your day and put a smile on your face. But if you unable to find it, well can you look around until you find a smile on a face? And I dared you to ask why. Maybe the answer will shock you. A friend of mine ask me, if happiness can't be found even I wait or keep searching for it, does it mean the happiness doesn't exist for me? If you have the same question then this answer is for you.  It either this two path, you deny the happiness or you in a wrong place. When you deny the happiness, even if you search the whole universe, you will never fin

My favourite time always in the middle of night and the best feeling ever is still stay awake at that time. Listening to some song, watching favourite movies or dramas, writing and doing some stuff. How I wish I can stay at those time and feeling forever. Because I'm not a lover of day but a loyal fan for a night. Did you feel the same thing? Like stay awake in the middle of night and wish the time can be more longer? When I still awake at the middle of night (which I always did), I had a lot of ideas on how I spend the rest of night. That was when I got some inspiration on some of my writing.  And I get to think a lot about myself but always regreting every choice that I make😂 but human can't get away from a feeling of regret.  I regret a lot of things and I know that I never did done anything that I like in the past. So from this coming age and afterwards, I will do everything that I wish I do before I regret everything. See? Awake at the middle of night make me think and fe

People know me for my craziness, my silly, and my sudden strict personality. I do crazy thing. I done a lot of silly things. And I can be strict sometimes and people who wasn't close to me will find it hard to apporach me because there is this vibe on me that kind of making me look firm. Well, just like the topic, I tend to do stupid things which sometimes I regret the most. And the most stupid thing I do was believing and hoping. I believe on something that was impossible and hoping for something that won't happen.  I believe in something that broken. I believe everything that broke can be fix. I believe it can return to it original state. I believe that some fix can make it better. But that happen few years back. Now, I'm no longer trying to do something for the broken things. Because, I saw the result when I tried to. I mess up. The whole thing become more complicated and I am sure that was the reason why I choose to live in small circle of people. I am done with fixing.

I learn to apologized. Because, I feel wrong about it. As my age going to turn soon, I realize that I need a peace. A peace for my own heart. But, I did not expect people will forgive me. Just like I said before in other writing, forgiving is the hardest thing that human need to do. But by doing it, you are strong person that try to keep your mind and heart in peace. However, it doesn't mean that by not doing it refering you as a weak person. Not, it's not. Because I do know, forgiving is hard. The fact that you are not destroying their life after hurting you, not trying to get revenge is a prove that you had a kind heart. Different people have a different approach anyway. But you know, forgiving won't change the fact that they were hurt before. Forgiving doesn't mean you will get a second chance. So, I do aware about it. Maybe apologized is a way to satisy myself that I need to say sorry for every single bad things I do. I am sorry. I am sorry that my sorry

Being alive is a proof that I am a human. I really am. I feel the pain, I get hurt, I can cry, I know feelings. But do you treat me like I am? What does it take to convince you, I am human and I am still alive. How many tears will it take to show you I am hurt. How much longer I need to stay in pain for you to come and save me? What more you want for you to believe me?  I never seek for an answer. Because you never provide me with one. So I stop questioning but do you realize that you are slowly killling my feelings? You make me feel numb towards myself. Is this what you always want for? I walk, but alone. I cry, but alone. I talk, but alone. No wonder everything doesn't make any sense because I am walking, crying, and talking in a dark without anybody, without anyone. Numb, I wonder when it will over? I hold onto a broken rope. A rope of memory. Trying to stay because memory full of bittersweet. But I never thought I need to let go the rope. Because holding onto it wil

For the first time, I am writing without a title. Because I can't find the suitable title. So no title. You know what, some of friend said that I am cruel because I don't even told them my IG, Facebook or any of my personal social media account. Even if they know (which I don't know how), I never accept their request (my account is private obviously) Even my contact list on my phone never reached 30 persons.  In fact, I don't save people number. Even though they are my classmate, family member or even friends. That is the reason why my contact list was so less.  But weird enough, I feel comfortable with that. Having less contact on phone, less person on my social media. I like it. And I love it when my personal life is blurry. Nobody know it. And, because I won't let my personal social media being interfered, then I create a new one just for a shadow. And also for my resume😂.  The people on my IG either my friend that I really know, my high school senio

I has a brother that always avoid to bring me out even I ask him too..A brother that always lied to me thinking it was funny to make fun of me..A brother that always broke his promise and never did comply with his promise.. Also a brother that always forgot the important thing i said to him even keep being remind..and the same brother that always said "Never ask anything from me" but he was the one who always ask me for anything.. But also, he is the one who always put his story with me that he never told our parents what it is..He also the one who travel miles away just to fetch me up..The one that taught me my mathematic until I able to understand the question.. He also the one who stand over me when I am being bullied..the first one who rush over me when I fall from my bicycle..and the one that said to me never waste your time on loving a person that never see you for yourself..the one that think about my future when I don't.. He may forgot all of this but I never did.